my house keeper must think I'm a prostitute.
do you know anything about the $5 bill with my name stapled to it in my purse??
He choked me out. i woke up to poo. I dont think i like S&M
that's the nicest way anyone's ever asked me to send them naked pics before...
Just before going down on me she said, "I need a hairband for all of the jobs I'm about to perform."
These old men are woofing at me..PLEASE HURRY
why is my forehead so bruised?
i found you outside knocking on the door with your head because you couldn't lift your arms.
random memory from the wedding, the bartender show us how to open the windows of the hotel and pee out of them
And I think your bro would be happy to know that when I took my bra off like 10lbs of confetti fell out. It was like my tits were celebrating being free
Idk man, she was drunker than me and i was sitting there talking to a raccoon about it's broken leg.
Atlanta road trip update. Jimmy fell into the petting tank at the aquarium. And freaked out. With cops now... Keep you posted
The guy at the rodeo just told me "if ya don't say none, ya don't get none". What the hell does that mean?
Im pretty sure you just got hit on by a gay cowboy.....
Mike's my new hero. There's a flagpole of hook-up's bras on his porch and a week's supply of beer in his fridge but he still has a great job.
not only did he puke in his mouth and hold it.. He also sneezed while doing this
I love you so much and not just because your dick is perfect
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