I seriously can't date anymore I forgot how to hide my crazy
You smell like a Billy Joel song
so after he got his stomach pumped, he asked for a smoking room.
I just talked to a CEO of a fortune 500 company while pooping. I LOVE being self employed.
i would rather give Shaq a handjob than take this accounting final
it's like i need an invisible sign across my boobs that says "DOESN'T HAVE DADDY ISSUES" that only old men can see
some girl just asked me if I was that guy that hooked up with nine girls in one night. officially a local celebrity. gonna try and autograph her boobs.
How did I roll 7 times this month and survive?\nI must be some sort of ecstasy goddess
I vaguely remember hanging my bra off the ceiling fan and chugging a beer during sex
College has turned you into quite the multi tasker huh?
The teenager outdrank all of us. All. Of. Us. I woke up and she was getting everyone water and fruit snacks. I give up.
We did it in the bar bathroom and the bathroom attendant sold us a condom. I love Nashville
You're wasting your dick. It needs to be bestowed upon the masses.
She looked like a cross between Jesus and John Lennon. So I fucked her. I feel majestic and powerful.
Okay so my roommate deals some drugs so whenever he leaves we can hook up, be ready
I didn't know I was the on call booty call damn
We're in an alley with a psychic wizard, shes reading our palms
Randomize
