I think taking a nice shit is a lot more satisfying than an orgasm. This is probably why I'm single.
Your sister got a Brazilian yesterday. It looks great
The worst mistakes make the best memories. Write that down.
Ive been home for 20 minutes and I'm already in bed with a vodka tonic
i was able to set 4 alarms to make sure i woke up in time for class but i couldnt take the open beer out of my pocket before i did cartwheels down the hall...
Apparently she buried shit in the snow back in January and now that it's melted I found a flip flop, 4 spoons, a bottle of smirnoff, and 14 different candy bars
I have vomit stuck in my nose, you should come with a warning label.
I was literally convinced that the turkey wrap i was eating was keeping me alive. And i couldnt have been happier. That high.
Some guy in lab is humming along to a Sara Barrilles song. Or maybe I'm just hearing the song echoing in his huge, gaping vagina.
he had shaved armpits. I repeat: HE SHAVED. HIS. ARMPITS! First hookup of 2014 and it's with a weirdo. Alcohol:1 Me:0
Dislocated my knee during sex, popped it back in and kept going. Then got simpathy chipotle out of it too.
I keep picking up boring men who literally just want to cuddle. HOW AM I THIS BAD AT GETTING SEX?
Do you feel better now that you've sent me a picture of your dick?
Yep.
Got a blowjob while watching James Bond's "Octopussy." My 13 year old self would be so proud
right after that u started calling me g-force and started trying to bellyslide down his drive way
Randomize
