Omg. Never. Take a laxative the day you are going on. A date.
Literally just stood in the shower and forgot what to do. that hungover.
Thanks for stopping me from doing a one man keg stand by myself clad in only a towel. that probably wouldve ended badly.
I've also hijacked your can opener. Sadly not for the same sexual reason as the muddler.
We played strip Bananagrams and I won. Thank fuck I read a lot as a child.
Lets just say I chased with a burrito.
As an added realisation of today. If we used the last time I got laid as a conceiving date I would have a two week old baby. It's been too long...
YOU LET ME GO HOME WITH CREEPY RON JEREMY?!?
...and?
I hate when you're right.
He compared my blow job skills to finding gold treasure in a gold chest, so there's that.
My body hates me. Pretty sure I drank 3 pitches full of coffee last night and took two adderal. I slept and ran a marathon at the same time. You should see my bed.
Everything is bullshit and I hate everyone
Every day I wake up and there is no spectacular morning wood waiting for me I get so sad.
Last night i walked into a gas station to get condoms. I threw them on the counter and the guy gave me a funny look because i was wearing a bra under an open cardigan and no shoes. I screamed "DONT JUDGE ME!" and he gave them to me for free.
Im glad your laughing because im currently convincing my penis you didnt mean it and its all gunna be ok.
Same way I cope with everything else. With dildos, dunkin and depeche mode
Randomize
