Tittie bar + Mother In law gone = mission accomplished.
I'll hook up with guys I don't even like, as long as they leave early enough the next day.
and all i could think was, am i really about to have sex with someone who still thinks that pee comes out of the actual vagina?
You tried to convince her that if she gave you head she'd hear the ocean.....
I know it may not be fiscally responsible to pregame fifty cent night, but I'm gonna go ahead and do it anyway.
Its a good thing the lights were off cuz Im pretty sure the look on my face when I touched his penis would have offended him
Thank you as well. My penis is starting a slow-clap right now.
Her roommate texted her and told her that her cat died. Now she's double-fisting bottles of wine while howling and wailing her dead cat's name. Not how I pictured this booty call.
I wish pancakes were everywhere. Just pancakes. I want lilies at my wedding. No dress. Just priest. Just lilies.
$150 bar tab covered by these tits. That's now the going rate. Keeping my bra on during sex unless i see the Benjamins.
She asked the woman in the drive through to cover everything she ordered in mayonnaise, including here chilli cheese fries. Didn't happen. Then she started swerving at the car next to us screaming, asking if they had mayonnaise.
His phone pocket dialed me while he was crapping. He was quietly singing stayin alive and possibly passing his intestines.
She was purple for Halloween. She literally spray-painted herself purple and called it a costume. It won't come off.
It was like getting a handjob from a frost giant
Ugh contemplating vodka and chocolate protein powder as this Capri sun and vodka isn't really cutting it
Randomize
