Want any specific kind of beer?
Yeah. Alcohol flavor.
Got it. Anything but Miller.
You were telling me to give my phone mouth to mouth so it wouldn't die.. Should i be worried for you?
Is all white too much for court to prove my innocents?
Drunk walkin through police station. America
You left your underwear here. I'm hanging it on my door
I'm stoned entirely off resin. Licking my blankets. Merry Christmas. Jesus died for our sins. Yay Jesus. I love you.
i hope youre ready for a shit show because we just ordered a whole pitcher of red headed sluts
I have 4 passes to the spa here, walking around with a robe on and putting cucumber slices on my penis. You guys should come hang out here. It's very relaxing
Holy. Crap. I just found a hickey on my bikini line. He never got my pants off. WHO IS THIS MYSTICAL HOOKUP WIZARD?
Dude. Once again. Cleaning house. Found weed I hid from myself a month ago. Celebrating/testing it out. if i dont text back in 10, call dominos.
Terrible hangover + phoenix airport + pizza hut....I think I might have entered one of the levels of hell.
She asked what it would take for you to fuck her. You drunkenly mumbled, "pepperoni pizza" and then got in the cab by yourself. You were smiling too. It was weird.
I would use the term shit faced but I'm too polite for that
He gave me an orgasim so fantastic that I had an asthma attack.
This can only be settled by a dance off.
Randomize
