My cock was attacked by outdoor plants
Want to have sex later?
This feels like a trap
I told him to come back in 5mins cause i needed to take a few more shots before i could talk to him
There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
I'm afraid my bank account can't handle syllabus week.
it was literally the size of a crayloa marker. i didnt know what to do with it so i just sat there
I'll bring the barf blanket just in case.
At least in the future when we're all real people we can laugh about the time we all had scabies together?
That's not a funny feeling. That's hepatitis. You got it from that bar where everything was sticky.
Im invoking the "no judgements" clause of our friendship.
My god, what have you done?
He is like the "hometown sweetheart", but a huge freak. Like "I'll come change your flat tire"....but then fuck you like an animal in the back seat.
Update - might be back in your neighbor's good graces. She liked the framed photo I gave her of me on the tractor with my business out.
Did I send you a drunk selfie with a pine tree last night?
Peanut butter and whiskey is not a dinner
All of my friends are talking about changing their lives because they have an alcohol addiction and I'm over here reminding my boss that it's national beer day.
Randomize