I think my fart just growled at me.
Somehow ended up at a stranger's bridal shower. Everyone else is already drunk.
this is the last time we take the mathletes drinking.
We left live chickens on the basement slip n slide. Good luck finding your car keys
I JUST WANT TO HAVE MILDLY SOCIALLY ACCEPTABLE SEX WITH HIM AND CALL HIM CUPCAKE.
Would it be considered cannibalistic if I wanted to eat off his bacon tattoo?
Um...It has come to my attention that I may have said some rather vulgar things about Sean Connery to you and anyone listening last night, so...I apologize for that. I meant the things I said. But still. Sorry.
I just realized I haven't had a date or a potential possibility of a date in about a year. Then I realized I wanted to actually go on a date. But I'm sitting here getting high instead of being at a party. Life.
Oh yeah, you are a real peach except for shitting uncontrollably and bleeding out of your face.
We fucked. Had a political debate. I won. So I sat on his face.
I fucking hate them. They came over and sat on me and made out. On top of me. Who the fuck does that?
Just stole my moms weed, left a note saying sorry.. Hope she isn't mad.
....I just did my boss
I love you. And I will hold your hand as we skip on the road to hell.
So, I just found out Ireland, is #1 in binge drinking. I know its Sunday but this one is for America.
There's a difference tho. *I* drink at seven in the morning because I work graveyards. YOU drink at seven in the morning cause you're an alcoholic.
Randomize
