His idea of a romantic evening was shotgunning Keystones. What a keeper.
my hangover today makes thursday's feel like a bubble bath.
Any time before 12:00pm. Can go fuck itself.
Dude, everyone in your family has slept with that girl. Her vagina is like the Hindu version of a Bar Mitzvah.
Aaaand I cut your bangs with a large knife last night ...
That one life defining moment when you catch yourself pouring whisky into your hot chocolate at 4 am, whilst crying and talking to your dog.
The moment you realize you should grow up: you're snorting your fathers percocet script with your old health insurance card, while your parents are on a 10 day cruise in the carribean...
Last night after the bar I went home and ate a pulled pork sandwich in a bubble bath
She tried to sing jingle balls while blowing me
this whole "benign brain tumor" is truly a blessing in disguise. I almost want to start bringing MRIs to the bar because sympathy pussy is flowing like the nile
My dick has a subreddit
He's mad about lube? You know what, don't even. I'm not in the proper mindset to discuss lube.
He's not very smart so he didn't know I was yelling at him with monologues from Scandal.
It finally happened my mom knowingly gave me money to buy drugs i knew this day would come\n
I’ve got a sex swing and lube, he’s not going anywhere soon
Randomize
