thank you for a lively/lovely evening :)
should have blown me.
im going to have to ask you to stop vomiting stars, rainbows, and butterflies all over your facebook statuses...
don't thank me. stop putting your penis in foreign objects.
The bartender told me the best pick-up line was to look deep into her eyes and tell her your gonna flick her vagina
The camp director doesn't care if we drink and i'm running the rifle range. Someone is going to get sued.
dude she was givin me head and stops and looks up at me and tells me she loves me, then goes ''alright now cum in my mouth''.... pretty sure shes the one
I thought you'd have died of alcohol poisoning years ago! How'd you get my number?
Just came during my obgyn appt. I need to get laid.
we should probably just go check in at the police station right now
Didn't get the job. Searched for my references on FB and saw the pic of me weighing my head passed out.
Do not tell guys at bars about kittens you rescue. They will walk away.
We just had an accidental Facebook titty pic scare.
Remember the time you cried about coconuts
Yeah come over whenever. Weed gets here at 8.
I'll be there at 7:59.
I once went to target high on hydrocodone. I assure you, they can handle unrespectable.
Randomize
