Some girl in the stall next to me just yelled "fuck yes i started my period!" she came out of the stall and we high fived. who am i to judge? i do that every month.
how do i say, "my ex is going to be at this party so don't look like shit" without sounding like a bitch?
being alone eating nachos and drinking from a giant munchen beermug really isnt that sad
I've developed breathing exercises to keep myself from puking..
Hey for future reference vodka can not be substituted for water when shaving your legs
Did I crawl through the hotel lobby all the way to our room?
If I die young bury me in satin. And make sure there's a taco bar at my funeral.
Sex on acid. Try it. I thought we were fucking in outer space with fireworks inside a rocketship car. Best.
You were discovered in a bush, smoking, and singing "in the jungle" to yourself. Which explains the scratches, but not the orange paint.
Oh dear. Sending much love.
Just send a machete.
My potted cactus died. I am literally less nurturing than the desert.
Yeah I don't think your wife thinks it's a good thing that you're fucking your cousin.
i ate her out in full view of all her roomates. the word awkward doesnt even cover it.
So...a chick sucked my crank...now her dog is licking my feet. I feel like a pharoh on vacation.
You smoked too much and passed out, didn't you?
You know me so well.
Randomize
