He came on my face and told me I looked like a gingerbread house.
I'm pretty sure if an eight year old calls you a whore.. it's true. just saying.
thanks for singing to me while i puked last night
Can we have fireworks this year or will the ocean explode?
i'm sitting in the second floor bathroom drinking coronas in the shower. do not find me.
Fell down a spiral staircase. Et tu vodka. Et tu.
I come bearing gifts of whiskey and vagina
We found him wrapped up in a giant table umbrella in the bathroom.
dude she got out of bed and definitely took a shit then checked her stomach out in the mirror and whispered "well that probably took off five pounds"
Her dad high fived me on the way out the door. Not the reaction i expected after she came so loud.
I thought he was being really sweet and protective when he pulled me away from the guy i was hooking up with, but turns out he just wanted me to get chicken nuggets with him...
That would be a mascot riding an ATV at a semi-professional hockey game, if that doesn't sum up how I've been I don't know what could
She took her panties off, then farted in my general direction. I guess we're at that stage in our relationship.
i dont think sending her flowers will make her forgive you running over her foot.
Do you know anything about how the saran wrap ended up on my toilet seat?
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