Sometimes, when I'm driving alone I talk to myself in a Russian accent so I think it's my mommy and it calms me down.
Shiiiit I think I'm getting sick. probably had something to do with the fact that i shared my mouth with everyone last night.
Wait. That came out far sluttier than I intended.
1. No more tequila 2. Why do you let me say slutty things? 3. I woke up and our apartment was covered in cake? 4. Love you
hey got me stoned for the first time when i was 14. there is no bond stronger
I couldn't accept the bj. My penis has done nothing wrong and didn't deserve the punishment of her face.
just heard this guy tell a story about how he got boat head. i want his life
shes the only person ive ever met that could make "i don't swallow" sound sexy
I'm being responsible and going as a gay, slutty Mormon missionary. It's responsible because I'll have a bike helmet on for when I fall over because I'm too shitfaced to stand upright. It's safer than Count Fagula. I just need to come up with a line equal or greater than "Blaaaa I want to suck your dick"
I didn't pay for a single drink 'help me I'm poor' was my drink pickup line. it totally worked.
Last night I had sex with one of the groomsmen I was in the wedding with. In a stairwell. 13 years my senior. Thinking I should retire from the bridesmaid gig.
Halfway through the blowjob she stopped and said 'Wait I know this dick'.
Lets get drunk and then you just wraps me into a present because that sounds like fun after the past 3 glasses of wine I drank
Dude you're fine. You're 5 minutes away from your house and you're eating fig newtons
I decided not to look up the nudes, because I believe that there is a line, and that mocking my old classmate's horrid nudes alone crosses that line.
A real best friend would support the hoe in me. Not remind me of what happened the last time I slept with a boss
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