The next morning she woke up and asked who I was and where she was.
I just recorded courtney puking and set it as my ringtone.
I save people's lives for a living, but I want to ruin his marriage.
I was trying to sing daddy wasnt there from austin powers but apparently I was crying and and yelling jibberish...I get to into this shit
What's standard gratutity for someone having a miscarriage on stage at a strip club? It's important.
i actually pissed myself from laughing when I saw the old man in lingerie carrying a spiderman purse. I dont know if he was real or if it was the tequila, but my head hurts.
he stopped during sex, told me i smelled like McDonald's and went harder..
She left me naked in my bed and without my phone I had her give me her phone number on the calculator on my laptop. It might be fake.
Today's weekday brunch started at 2pm, and consisted of $7 of sandwich and $50 of cocktails. Also, I hustled the bartender for about $3 playing nickel poker, but he may have been letting me win. Either way, he didn't get into my pants.
These bubbles make my penis feel like it is resting on clouds.
Current status: Finding an unwrapped portion of Subway sandwich in my purse at the pharmacy counter & picking pieces of tomato off my wallet while the pharmacist watches disdainfully.
Did you offer her some?
If only. Current status: Not that clever.
He took a girl home at like eight, fucked her, kicked her out, came back to the bar, and repeated the process again at 10:30 and 2:30. THREE GIRLS IN ONE NIGHT. ALL PICKUPS. I HATE HIM.
Starting this Monday as I always do
With a desperate plea for help
Thanks for having me over last night. Sorry I licked rum off your kitchen floor.
I'm gonna go take a shower so I can cleanly change into my drinking underwear.
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