youve choked your chicken with your arm asleep and acted like it was some1 else right?
I microwaved pizza rolls, a hot dog, and bacon in the same plate with no paper towels. I drank the grease at the end. I'm going to vomit everywhere.
I got a handjob from a sober married woman in a parking lot in the middle of the day, yet you still cant manage to get laid by a drunk single slut at the bar at 1am. Wtf
What I dont get, is for a man with a penis his size, to choose to go back with another girl instead of one that he says is the best sex he's ever had. He cant afford to be picky.
he threw up on me, hugged my legged and then started laughing. when i asked him why, he said "it's like the sour patch kids commercials."
These fall allergies are really hindering my cocaine habit.
I don't know if it's the amount i drank last night or the number of taylor swift statuses on facebook but i feel like puking everywhere
she just convinced the cop to buy us ice-cream sandwiches. best/worst stoned experience ever.
Just so we're clear this time around: This is dinner with my FAMILY. Not an opportunity for you to drink too much, and use the word "dick-thumpin" in casual conversation.
he signed me a blank check so today i get to decide if i want to be a saint or a millionaire
While you wait, fill out your state patrol application. Not trying to be your mom, I just really want to fuck a cop.
Some girl woke me up at 1:30 am looking for weed and the next thing I know I'm in a hot tub with 3 girls, 2 40's, and a blunt.
I just wrote the Drag Queen from Saturday Night on FB and apologized for licking her. Weirdest thing I have ever typed...
Mom and I shoplifted today. Her idea.
Retirement sounds fun.
Come by so you can take a pregnancy test with me. It's like my monthly ritual!
Randomize
