I want to jerk off but my dog won't leave me alone. It's the most depressing cock block ever.
Dude, Her having kids just means she puts out.
I woke up on the side of the highway to the ppl in orange jumpsuits cleaning to comunity service. Not sure which freaked them out more... Finding a dead b ody or me not being dead
please stop telling ppl youre Alice Cullen when youre drunk
So Easter dinner for me was at 4:40 this morning where i made Bagel Bites and had a glass of Chardonnay
Just saw a white bronco on my way home from work and the license plate said "NOT OJ"
Getting sheets for college, what is the thread count that shows the least amount of cumstains?
630.
She took a break from repeating "my face is still buzzing!" to say that the phantom of the opera could be here
She's either too fat to type, hammered or has terrible spelling.
Dude so coolest charity idea ever, think aids walk but instead of miles you drink beers oh the possibilities
If you end up at a gay bar on a tuesday night in steelers pjs, does that mean youve hit rock bottom?
No really tho I'm wearing a chucky cheese shirt and yoga pants. If that doesn't scream no sex idk what does
Me and two guys that I made Eskimo bros all soberly slept together in my bed
i know it looks like there's pee in the mayo jar in the fridge but i promise it's just apple juice that wouldn't fit in the jug after i added the booze.
One of the worst parts about living at my parents again is trying to hide how often I'm hungover, just quietly puked in the basement bathroom while my mom got ready for work
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