someone owes me an orgasm
I just got an email from a bridal website with the subject "Countdown to your Wedding Day"... is 11AM too early to drink the rest of the wine we have?
My drug dealer is spending the weekend in my studio apartment. I feel like I've crossed a line that should never be crossed.
dude, when you're random girl from last night came down the stairs this morning she fell all the way down. I laughed. She just walked out. I hope shes ok. Tell her I give her a 10 for that landing though.
I'm drinking bacardi out of her mom's eco-green starbucks mug and chasing it with her sister's "for track only" vitamin water. Hello suburbia
sorry we overslept. have a good day at work. p.s. thanks for making it feel like my vagina got hit by a train.
Just paid off my possession ticket on 4/20. Helloooo awesome.
I hope it's the birth control, otherwise I'm dying
If you've never yelled, "fuck you ray Lewis" in front of your 87 year old grandfather you haven't lived
Unintentional and slightly frustrating adventures are basically all I'm good for. Expect heart palpitations, cheap food, and homeless men serenading us.
My legs r really sober for running now
I don't think that's how sobriety works.
I used the line "you don't have enough pillows". Then left. Thought you should know.
The housekeeper found my huge dildo under the bathroom sink, and another in the living room. I can't get much more single than this.
A respectable fucking: good but like I don't want to get kicked out of my hotel room
Oh, do you remember telling everyone you were with that your vagina was angry last night?
Randomize
