if she mentions anything about chili and my phone, just go with it
driving around with you guys listening to the beach boys made me very concious of how white you all are.
he told her to call him "Frog Legs" and she still fucked him and not you.
If you try to operate on me with a Bic pen and vodka, I'm never talking to you again
He scratched off my spray tan. Literal nail marks down my back. Can't imagine what's underneath his fingernails.
just let her blow you already, it's practically animal cruelty at this point.
Yeah dude. Pulled out the couch and a bird flew at me. Please tell me who put a bird in my house.
You just sent me a picture of a federal crime. Like. You don't give a fuck.
i spent my morning giving relationship advice to the kid i had sex with on a kitchen table this weekend
alll i remember is comming back downstairs, his pants were off and he was aplauding me
Can someone please remind me later tonight that there's a taco in my purse. I may get drunk and forget I put it there
Idk I'm drinking Sam Adams and wearing new balances so I'm basically a dad
7% of guys ive been with can get me off... I did the math!
I woke up at 4am because the neighbors cat managed to sneak into my bed. HOW THE FUCK DOES THIS STUFF HAPPEN TO
Grandpa just whipped it out and started pissing on the way to the game stuck in traffic. I saw EVERYTHING. :(
Randomize