so i walk in and shes blowing her vag with a hair dryer. so i asked what she was doing, she said heating up supper.. come eat ;)
i'm so jealous of you right now.
she reminds me of the first time i discovered masturbation. that's how you know it's true love.
i have 90 minutes to kick this food poisoning or josh's first experience with buttsex will be his last
I wanna give a stern lecture to whoever invented pants cause they are hard right now
Any time you can't remember a night, and you wake up in a sorority house, it's fucking worth it.
I found his Linkedin the day after he created it. Too stalkerish or just right?
Well. No wine. And no real mixers. I'm using vodka and grape juice and calling it Slurrrlot. Happy Holidays bitch.
you sternly forced jackson to start preheating the oven around midnight so you could make bagels in the morning
you were serious about those bagels
is it weird that our first time having sex was makeup sex?
Self reach around competition is what the Olympics has been missing all along. A true test of athleticism.
I will be the DD but everyone has to call me Mistress
Everyone is all excited about the iPhone 7 being water resistant and I'm only concerned with whether or not it can be destroyed by salsa or cum
Gary just stuck his dick in his Guinness. I can't even make this up
Great litmus test for what a useless adult you are: amount of shame you feel while eating a coffee cup of Fruity Pebbles
what are you getting to drink for new years?
well seeing as how i just got diagnosed with a uti, whatever we can mix with cranberry juice
Randomize
