I have a drinking game planned. Were gunna watch empire records. Everytime they say rex manning we have to take a shot
Attempting to teach the cat how to shake. I need a job.
My roommate made me go home after I mooed at fat girls at the gas station.
I have no recollection of sleep choking you
Came to from my blackout with native american warrior facepaint on I'm too old for this shit
The facepaint not the blacking out
the only good thing about breaking up with him while naked was that i got to make a forgetting sarah marshall reference
Are you alive?
I googled "I don't want to vomit anymore," and "how to rip out your uvula," at 9 am this morning, but I'm still here. Uvula and all.
PLAN B IS EXPENSIVE ON A $50 A WEEK BUDGET.
Yeah even if I got stabbed it would be worth it
He didn't call me beautiful but he came in less than five minutes so same thing, right?
SOMETIMES YOU HAVE TO BLAST VANESSA CARLTON IN YOUR CAR AT MIDNIGHT TO FEEL AGAIN. IDK.
That’s talent right there. Maverick and Goose type shit.
She swallowed the car key because she thought we were really going to make her drive.
i think i just naturally attract stoners
I’m on my way to fuck the new hockey player
Ride him like a Zamboni
Randomize
