My cousins just decided to make a catapult to spread my Grandpa's cremated remains. I love my family.
as soon as I walked into work this morning, my boss called me out on my hangover, patted me on the back and said I'm getting time an a half for even showing up. Did I really look that bad this morning?
Yeah, I just met her and we got arrested together. I think it was a good bonding experience.
I decided to buy a keg of Miller Lite instead of paying the electric bill. Just thought I'd give you a heads up...
You threw a bunch of trashcans into the middle of the street and nothing happened. I fell on one car and suddenly there were cops everywhere...
Cops do not care. One just laughed and said "precious"
He just texted me saying "you've got a face that suggests you give really good head". Is this a compliment? Do I say thanks?
Mimosa dick, like his cousin Whiskey dick, is just as ineffective but a lot more fun to be around
I was hooking up with him and then someone banged on the door and shouted "When you get the chance, will you put the weed on the veranda?"
He made me chicken tenders and margaritas in preparation for me to take a pregnancy test at his place later tonight. Like...seriously.
he answered his phone during sex and left to go help that drama queen with her latest bullshit. I'm drinking all his vodka. it's asshole tax
I threw up all of my purple drank and thats really important
I just walked in on her masturbating to a social anxiety video...
Pray for me.. I'm like the lonely vagina in a sea of sworming dicks
I just want a man in my bed on a regular basis, who cuddles, and who I can also occasionally hang out with outside of my bedroom. Is that too much to ask for?
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