I made out with a fat chick last night in a hot tub... btw I am breaking up with you
just ate pastrami before passing out in my hotel room. My room smells like a petting zoo
kristin has been a bad kristin
I just snorted a line of adderall through a rolled up business card for the Michigan Law Admissions Office.... Tell me I'm not motivated
there was a kid getting taken out of the waterpark handcuffed to a wheelchair singing "tryna catch me ridin dirty"
I can't tell whether I'm a) still hungover from two nights ago, b) legitimately sick or c) all of the above... multiple choice was never my forte
he was very distressed by my statements that there could have been balls on shoulders without awareness
As I type I'm climbing my cousins swingset so I can take a nap inside the slide. Fuck this hangover. I always win.
No one is allowed to go to bed until all bottles are finished, I don't want to feel my face tongiht. Do you understand?
No piss test, hell yeah
FALSE ALARM. PISS TEST. I NEED YOUR PISS.
turns out my ex girlfriend has become my most successful wingman. life is fuckin weird sometimes
What's the point of bringing a Jack and Coke to work if my boss is just gonna piss and moan about me day drinking again?
No, the high point was when you stood on a chair and shouted you were the god of tits and wine.
NO FUCKBOY SHALL PASS OPERATION #BITCHMODE HAS SUCCEEDED
I don't actually like you. I just want to hook up with you.
I'm fine with that
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