so..some girl walked up to me on the porch last night. She came to apologize for peeing on our lawn a few days ago. I just looked at her and said it was ok, she wasn't the first.
i think it was just a coincidence but she literally vomited the second she saw my penis.
Nope it's him. He's whispering to himself and buying asparagus.
Bring more bourbon. Day drunk just hit another level.
What are the signs of a concussion? Please don't freak out.
I brought his matress to the living room we're laying on it listening to rick james drinking vodka
I have a boner in one of my pics with her which no one noticed.
I only blacked out one night of three if that isn't fucking personal growth idk what is
So my flight takes off at 8am. Does this mean I need to break my airport bar pre-flight ritual?
Aren't you the one who taught me that airports are the judgement-free drinking zone?
Oh wow and I have a bunch of portable wine glasses called to go coffee cups
Also, I found this app that is basically a tamagochi from the 90's and now I finally have something to keep me busy at work!
Current status: so high that I'm unable to have coherent conversation with my mom, but still knew that when my dad said "shpritzy white stuff" I understood that he was trying to think of "whipped cream."
That text took me 10 minutes.
Apparently I made a chicken patty, angrily took it out of the microwave, walked outside, and threw it over the balcony. #me
worse hangover than the time you almost threw up in a plant in front of your daycare kids?
...I don't remember telling you about that but yes
Fucker was flying a Bruins flag. He can pick up the dog's poop himself.
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