Dear male population: sorry for being such a dick tease but thanks for paying for my bar tab and drunk food
explain to me why "crisis hotline lolz" is in my contacts?
Woke up with pink eye in both my eyes. That's how the threesome went
ive come to the point where weve hung out more times sober than drunk. i think im growing up. fuck.
we spent fifteen minutes trying to convince you that you weren't locked inside of your car
I feel like god wrote up a contract of my life, and i just signed off on that shit without reading the fine print.
This is why Helen Keller didn't drink
It's really funny to see the look on the sales lady's face when she asks why you're replacing a painting. "I knocked it off the wall during sex w/ my heels," wasn't what she expected.
If a handjob meant commitment I would literally touch zero dicks
I'm glad your nude photos turned out "classy" but you cannot hang them in the living room.
Did we have sex last night?
No. You laid in my bed and I brought you taco bell.
Whoever put the life size cut out of Snoop Dog next to me in bed understands me.
Haha I had a heart to heart with a stripper so I would say it was a success?
- I'm finally learning to be functional when I'm high. I feel like this is a milestone.
Oral stamina is what keeps life exciting
Randomize
