Is it sad that the only reason I haven't lapsed into depression is that I'm prettier than her?
Nah, we all need something.
ice luge is my downfall...
...u mean upfall.
She came to work with 6 additional layers of make-up, playing every Nickelback song about explicit teen sex, and with a dozen twinkies she bet she could finish without chewing any. I'm investing in a rape whistle.
john hughes is dead. crushing any and all dreams of me ever being in an 80's john hughes film. bummer.
I'm reading about reasons for wearing clothing. IS THIS COLLEGE OR PRESCHOOL?
I can't believe you just became a stipulation in their divorce papers.
We made the bar tender tell us how he proposed to his girlfriend. In detail. While we made gushing noises. We are embarrassments to females everywhere
Meeting girls and telling em you have no hair on your calves is not an acceptable pick up line
I paused mid sex to tell him I wished I'd taken up barrel racing so I could ride better.
I need to puke. I need a shower. I need rehab. I need to detox and puke. I feel like demons are inside of me.
Come out Saturday. It's for my lesbian daughter from the future birthday.
Yeah I had this grand plan to bring flaming dr pepper shots to some girls and say "these shots are hot, but not as hot as you" but instead I lit the bar on fire
Can you help me get ready before work? I need a look that says I'm-happy-to-help-but-I'm-hungover-so-leave-your-attitude-at-the-door-because-I'm-not-taking-anyone's-shit-today.
We aren't doing Shrooms tonight bc that would be friendship cheating on you
Looks like it rained condoms in my room last night
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