just because you dressed up as a brontosaurus doesn't mean you can poop in my yard and roar at my neighbors
she doesn't hate you. She just thinks you need a personality adjustment, speech therapy and weight watchers.
i just made a girl do the walk of shame. as a bumblebee. i love halloween.
We've been broken up for 7 months. His mom sent me a card with a brochure inside titled "How at Risk for STD's are you?"
Who just wakes up in their own bed and assumes "I probably blew some guy last night"
Everything's a blur with pockets full of jello
I've been at work 30 min broke a paper towel holder a chair set a box on fire and fell down twice. Hungover Brian just reached a new level
Challenge: Try to have your balls hanging out in every picture you take tonight
Challenge Accepted
Tried to dodge fire in poncho. Fell through fence. Blood everywhere.
Any clothing i put on is too many clothes.
Yeah. Just jump him. Naked. Claim his dick for yourself.
I'm watching Russian dudes pole-dance. For research.
I blew past the Governor's motorcade going twice the speed limit and DIDN'T get a ticket. God wants me to get laid.
I mean it could have been worse, I could have been sober.
holy shit the yoga instructor bought his baby pig to class today
Randomize
