I just recorded courtney puking and set it as my ringtone.
His internet history had "Disney Porn" on it.
i am doomed to only fuck guys with curved cocks
no, no, no. omg. i said i wanted a SANDWICH! not a picture of your dick. damn cant you read? SANDWICH! now im blinded. great job.
You made me pull over because you thought a leaf was a twenty rolling across the road.
I drank it. I drank the beer from '78. I drank my bday beer, I drank my soul
I just want my birth control to stop making me feel like I'm watching baby seals get clubbed to death any time anything even remotely unpleasant happens lol
She must've been waiting down the street cause after I said I specialized in inner-thigh-face-massage it couldn't have been 2 minutes until she was on my couch.
It's the best! If I had one wish it would be for life to be one really long gay porno. Thats what I wish for during every 11:11.
Hey guys guess what I found in my bed this morning? I wish it was a man..but it was a potato
Good morning love! Friendly reminder that we decided to make leggings with a vagina zipper. "For the winter quickie"
cmon you know I'm perfectly capable of something that ridiculous 100% sober
Yo whoever left a thong on the dining room table, first of all get help second of all please remove it now
can we not speak foreign languages when I'm on drugs
I just got a handjob in the back of an Uber while a large German dude and a Midwestern fuck-boi sang along in falsetto to the Bohemian Rhapsody.
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