11:03 p.m. Whats a lie i you lovn me. Let's cuddle.
Oh, don't even get me started. Harry Potter is so pure. Twilight is just teenage girl porn.
I'm exhausted and I have velveeta stuck in my teeth
Did you eat out Derrek's girlfriend again?
So I'm driving and this guy next to me at the stop light is reving his engine and honking at me. Motherfucker thinks that's because I'm asian and drive a honda I'm automatically going to race him
You couldn't find any paper towel to clean up the wine you spilled, so you tried to use her cat.
ooh i remember now. Not very absorbent.
It's too hard to jack off and hold an ipad at the same time
He came up to me muttering about the pills on the bathroom floor... I found him an hour and a half later trying to take naked photos of himself with an alarm clock...
there's a sledge hammer in the bottom of the swimming pool... so whatever happened last night was probably awesome
And you kept repeating "I didn't know know that this was a no blow job zone."
omg. i wish i could describe to you the number of things that were just in my vagina. i feel like i got gangbanged by construction workers.
dude girls our age are getting married and having babies and I still can't figure out how to defrost my hotpockets
At least your road beer policy is responsible. Well, relatively speaking.
After walking ten blocks barefoot in Boston I've concluded drunk me needs to make better decisions.
Hey. You dropped and smashed your road beer in my store last night. Again. And this time you didn't even order anything. You just walked in, yelled "SWEDISH STYLE!" Then lost your beer, looked depressed, and left.
just realized I'll be in a check out line with just Hershey syrup and condoms. I don't know if I am setting a good image for our generation
Randomize
