Dude, I just woke up on the floor of some random chick's floor with puke in my hair and a posted note on my forehead that said "It's over." Dude I wasn't even aware I was in a relationship...
Is it a bad sign when i blow my nose && can smell vodka?
Milquetoast, coolest word ever.
I hate girls that dress up to come to planned parenthood. I just want to be like we are all in the same boat here, we know your slutty. Its OK.
gross. I think i'll just donate all my eggs. My children will be incredible, but they're not welcome in my womb
Are my feet made of real feet?
Drinking with a woman who gave an anti-drugs speech at my high school. Somehow, not surprised.
If I'm not up by 8, will you please knock on my door?
That depends, can you stop texting me while you're masturbating?
Touche.
I CAN STILL HEAR YOUR VIBRATOR.
he gave me a thermos so I could take my coffee with my on drive of shame. I was unexpectedly grateful...
I swear the toilet was so cold I tried to stand up but my balls wer frozen to it. most awkward five minutes between me and my mom.
She came so hard that after she finished, she started a slow clap and then told me she pulled a muscle.
WHERE THE FUCK'S MY FUCKING RITALIN YOU FUCKING FASCIST?????
she's p upset bro
Where is he. I have a sword.
So nothing to worry about, but i'm probly going to jail soon, just thought i should let you know so you didn't worry. Bye!
I wanna get to the point where I can just send a question mark and get an exclamation point in response
Randomize
