I would rather wake up to a truck driver than wake up to her
If I have to take him to the hospital, I'm drawing dicks on his face
Thanks for not stopping me when I decided to call my mom at 2 in the morning to ask her where I was born
I'm putting "buy a bottle of scotch" on my "productive things to do to procrastinate studying for finals" list
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
There was an unopened condom by my car when I went to pick it up this morning. Someone may have fucked on the hood of my car last night. Don't think it was me but I can't rule it out 100%.
First highlight of the semester: campus safety caught me peeing in the dirt parking lot by kappa. Then as they were about to write me up, they recognized me, laughed, and left.
Officially conquered sex on my couch with my dad asleep in the next room
I like how you say "conquered" as if that was your sole mission in life
why is there a wheelchair in the hall and why does it look like we banged in it?
Don't masturbate while listening to Pandora. Just came during a buffalo wild wings commercial and I feel really weird about it.
You're the only person I know who would go to New Jersey to give a blowjob and I have so much respect for you for it
I just realized I'm having shark week, during shark week.
well we started off by chasing vodka with chocolate milk and ended up trying to befriend a crippled raccoon so that should tell you how our night went
Sitting naked, eating lucky charms with rain boots on
Omg I joined a choir last night...
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