i think i just saw hanson at the grocery store. one might have been a girl. hard to tell. lets call that one taylor.
i thought i was pinching her nipple. It was her mole
I just had a dude tell me how he got fired from friendly's for tripping a kid and followed the story with "If i'm gonna do it, I do it big."
a chick just tried to cover her fart by sneezing. it didn't work
I'm calling into work with a wicked case of sledge hammer crotch. She has to understand
i don't think i ever formally apologized for that time i threw up on your dog.... well...here it is...
the evidence from last night is not good...
what evidence?
my underwear is on inside out, and there are french fries in my hair...
Well I can cross being naked in a minivan off the list
if this uncomfortable exchange we're having is you trying to flirt with me i suggest you stop it before someone gets hurt
I'm gonna send you a dick pic now just so your uncomfortable at work
even my drug dealer wished me a happy birthday before my mother did.
No? The only contact I've had with him for months was when I drunk texted him from Costa Rica to say that all jazz sounds the same
Is using La Croix as a mixer for vodka a legit way to reach my daily water consumption?
Who am I kidding? With my track record, I'm going to end up sleeping at the strip club with just nipple tassels on.
Hooked up with another cop last night. Think I am renaming my vagina "dispatch"
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