Worst part was I had to fart super bad and didn't want to ruin the room so I farted in a pillow and threw it under the bed.
A disheveled girl in front of me just looked down, shrieked, and yelled to the girl next to her "what is this" while pointing at two large white stains near the crotch of her black jeans. I love that Thursdays are weekends, it makes awesome Friday mornings
He passed out drunk on top of me. Fully erect. Still inside me. Woke up like 1 minute later, and continued.
I just got a 45 minute blow job...she literally sucked the single life outta me.
u sound so gay right now
My grandpa just complimented my boobs. Im taking this as a compliment but also brushing it off as alcoholism on his part.
Before you ask, yes. Whatever you're wearing IS too slutty for his mom's funeral.
Step 1: drink. 2: drink more. 3: go for it. 4a: success. 4b: drink more. 5. drink. 6. go for other girls. 7. drink more. Sound good?
he knocked a glass of water onto my bed and then said that he should get to sleep on the dry side because he was "a guest"
I forgot to tell you, wear something you can puke on Saturday. We're christening this marriage with a shot of jager. NOT KIDDING.
Her husband thinks she's banging me and nothing is going to change his mind so I told her we might as well just bang and make him right
The dog just shocked himself by peeing on Christmas lights, should I have saw that coming?
This is me trying to take a picture to send to grandma. At 4. We were trying to look sober.
It makes me so happy that my local liquor store has a black lab that is there every day. Really tho - it makes the higher prices excusable.
OF COURSE I FUCKED HIM! Did you not read the part about him having red and green Christmas condoms?
He got mad at you last time bc you tried to rap battle him via text. This is strictly business.
Randomize
