I didn't slap you in the face. TEQUILA slapped you with my hand...
I just want to sing "highway to the danger zone" when I'm taking his pants off.
I just realized that the music from spongebob is also used in real sex HBO.
I'm at the laundry mat. This guy is here showing me his ankle monitor. The weird ones always find me.
cell reception changed and I can no longer text you from the toilet... that means I'll be texting you less often, just fyi
He's got a pretty small dick but he's a total sweetheart. I'm gonna buy a new dildo and just deal with it.
That was the first time I have seen a confused expression with a dick in the mouth
We are buying drugs from a guy with a Jesus fish on his dodge caravan.
Oh my god did you actually lose a tooth
So I'm dropping a fat deuce at work, and the lock on the stall door slips and the door slides open, when suddenly someone comes in. Now I have two options, I can either get up quickly and try to shut the door quickly (not easy to do with one hand) or I can just sit there and play it off like it's no big deal and I always dump at work with the door open. I chose option two, and it was as awkward as it sounds.
My sister just showed me a snap chat that I don't remember sending, it was a picture of me with two big macs in my bra with just the words "BURGER TITS"
I just got high and swiffered the bathroom floor....2 for 2 on brilliant life ideas
After sex he brought chocolates and said he loves RuPaul's Drag Race. How many points does he score for that?
You made me brush your teeth last night......for 47 minutes.
just saw two mice fucking on our bed...i think its time to find a new place to live
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