On my way home i need to take a massive dump and couldn't wait.
I need a leather bustier to keep them in.
Too kinky for 11:30am. Stop that.
You kept buying everyone Washington apple shots, and telling us we needed to support local produce.
he yelled "RELEASE THE KRAKEN" then hit me with his dick
The best part of listening to lady gaga while high is that any word your brain puts in is right.
He was sweet. He even warned me that his dick curved, and I quote, "more than a banana."
your drunk mistake has arrived...he is the one wearing a poncho
How was the birthday sex?
Shit got outta hand. Honestly I think even my STDs have STDs.
I wasn't an ass in college so much more like I showed my ass a lot especially during serious beerpong games. You know I don't fuck around when it comes to sports.
DOMA is dead. I'm definitely going to be the last of our friends to get married now.
Rule travel - in 2s or put an ankle monitor on me, and maybe a shock collar.
Stop it with the monkey emojis. It's like sexting with Curious George
I told him you forbid me to sleep with him so he needs to accept that.
Painted a stripper an elf costume. Her coworkers liked it. Now in a room full of naked strippers.
You said you're gonna end your night with a six pack and awful erotica
Randomize
