Me too. Send a cab. Order food.
Everyone knows that the fastest route to a corporate advancement is to take a shot in the mouth
We just stood on the porch wondering how you managed to puke up a whole piece of bologna
MRIs the morning after St. Patty's Day was a poor choice.
Brought out my three foot martini glass last night, that explains why I haven't left my bed all day long.
Its piss that you smell... I borrowed that shirt last week. Sooo, wanna grab some laundry soap on your way home? And good luck on your date.
On the bright side, at least we arent the generation raised by fucked up teen moms.
Just got a blow job while taking my online quiz. How is life in the dorms treating you?
I'm treating this like a real date. My boobs aren't even out.
I'm so proud, I have tears
My underwear are in the stairs so apparently I did take the dog out.
Diet Starts Tomorrow! Guy from McDonalds asked if I got a new car...
Like I cant decide if he's like autistic or something or just seriously cock blocks himself on purpose with this shit
Do you think the police would frown on me opening a psych drug pharmacy on the side? Just to dispose of my drugs without polluting the water supply! It is for the animals!
You know I've done a lot of messed up stuff. But I never thought I would have to put a bandaid on my dick. Yet here we are.
He's throwing Skittles into my cleavage and some are rebounding into my crouch.
Well he's scoring either way then.
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