he broke up with me so i peed in his bed
We were hooking up and you crawled into bed with us, because you had lost your phone and didn't "want to be alone at a time like this."
Thanks for feeding me more tequila shots to prevent me from trying to fight her last night. Horrible logic? Yes, but you are the best friend ever
Remember that time I tried to pierce your nipples while high... it's like that, only with more blood... and less nipples
Its a little weird going to a wedding where I've screwed the bride and my wife has screwed the groom. Great wedding though.
I think I'm still drunk and I think you were in my dream (sadly, it was not a sexual bill murray one).
Getting my nails done with Diana... I'm going for the keep your friends close and the girl who's dating the guy you want to fuck closer
preface to our conversation: my vagina hurts.
FRIENDS DON'T LET FRIENDS WASTE THE LAST ADDERALL.
There is nothing wrong with me introducing you as elephant dick. Nothing.
I mean I'm so obviously classy currently laying in bed watching a movie while finishing my drink from last night
Getting a blow job while breaking up with my gf helps cope with the pain... Kinda weird her best friend is giving me the BJ
IT'S A GIANT FUCKING ROBOT, DUDE. LOGIC IS OUT OF THE QUESTION BECAUSE AWESOME.
just saw a girl run into an automatic sliding door, back up and try again
Excuse me I just made a hot pocket without burning down the house, I think i can do anything.
Randomize
