Thank you for leaving pool of vagina on my girlfriends carpet.
Christmas on farmville was waaaaay better than my actual Christmas.
I like how the only thing you spelled correctly is "i'm tequila"
the crazy preacher outside Willard just began a monologue that began with "when i look at a vagina." We should stop by there more often
I made my rape whistle into a roach clip device. FRESHMAN YEAR!
The house is trashed, there is porn scattered everywhere like an easter egg hunt and the blow up doll is sleeping on the couch downstairs. someone covered her up.
Im going to hell in a hand basket. With a ribbon tied to my head. I'll be like a puppy for the devil.
There are two things I love in this world. Dick and cats. Why can't I just have dick and cats forever
not totally sure where im at but i think i've definitely woken up on this couch before. bong on the coffee table looks familiar. should be able to find my way home
No one is allowed to go to bed until all bottles are finished, I don't want to feel my face tongiht. Do you understand?
I just tried to get a motorcycle cop to give me a ride....he told me not to ask strangers for rides
The thing about being single is like Sunday morning sex is nice but so is Sunday morning eating Nutella from the jar in your underwear
Our relationship is perfect
90% threatening to punch him in the dick 10% actual dickpunching
So uh... Did you mail me business cards that describe my profession as "tortured soul"?
I'm still very high. To be blunt. No pun intended.
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