Answer the phone when I call you in a second. Just got pulled over for getting road head, going to secretly put you on speaker phone, this should be good
That blackeyed peas song was on, so I thought that was prediciting tonight was going to be a good night. And then my garage door opner fell and hit me in the head.
I literally just copy and pasted that from another bbm convo bc I'm far too stoned to explain that again.
You came into my room at 3am.. drunk.. and asked to do spanish homework together. Props for being a good student.
I'm like cupid
You're a whore with a bow and arrow
the worst part of it wasnt him peeing on the xbox. it was when he showed me his penis and made a kissy face at me. THAT was painful.
So somehow I got from NYC to a suburban town in the middle of Jersey. At 4am. Thank god there are trains that can rectify my mistakes...
How is it possible that I am in a completely different city, and there are 2 dudes here that I've banged? How????
Maybe it was silver. I don't know. I was drunk sifting through my dogs vomit.
Did strip banana grams actually happen last night
But I just had this pork pâté. It was dick grabbing.
I ate so much cake that I can't even enjoy a blowjob
That's the most first world problem I've ever heard in my life.
Oh god. Charles just fell off the bar. Didn't spill his drink. He's come so far..
I JUST SNEEZED WITH A MOUTHFUL OF CHEWED UP CASHEWS AND THEY CAME OUT MY NOSE AND IT HURT AND NOW I HAVE A LITTLE NOSEBLEED
I think every girl deserves a pregnancy scare. Because then it just feels like such a priviledge to be bleeding out of the vagina.
I legit just did a jig towards my box of tampons.
So i've noticed that drunk me erases sent messages to hide them from sober me, because drunk me knows that sober me will be PISSED at drunk me.
Randomize
