Do the low cut shirt test. If he stares at your tits even in front of your brother, he's down.
We got a party bus for the nite. I found out the hard way why stripper poles are meant for girls.
The working title of my paper? "Tailgating: A Big Clusterfuck of Kids Who Dont Actually Give a Shit about Football"
Please tell me how you drunkenly remembered your social security number when we were checking you into the ER.
she tied the funnel to the fucking ceiling...
I think I'll bring the beer we scavenged from that other party. What goes around comes around, especially when it's Corona because that shit is not staying in my fridge
I have an erection and I'm about to go through airport security.
Last night he ate BBQ Pringles out of my boobs...I feel like it was moderately productive
When you wake up, I have a unicorn coloring book, crayons, mini cupcakes, and booze.
Would you go as one half of Harry and Lloyd in Tuxes to Aaron's wedding?
I don't give a fuck that he's gay and keeps hitting on me. Free cocaine is free cocaine bro
Was just told that I slept on the counter using a loaf of bread as a pillow. Clearly my life is going well.
Then his buddy called and said "my car broke down, I need a ride. If I'm not home by midnight they'll extend my house arrest." And I knew it was time to leave.
DUDE NEVER CALL THE COPS BACK
He sent me a text saying his breakfast today was leftover mead and some fruit salad
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