Apparently the guard had to repeat "you're too drunk to get in" three times before I understood. I guess he was right.
My mom and I are having a "yay I don't have herpes" shopping trip day
A man in denim coveralls just shotgunned a beer on the dance floor
She told me my pubes were as soft as "fine wool"
Ok so in the last 18 months I have now driven four different dudes into counseling. I'm like heroin with a vagina.
After Madison dropped a bottle of full vodka an it shattered on the floor, it was quiet for literally 3 min straight and then drew said "the booze gods have spoken"
But he's not just anonymous male genitalia anymore. I've met him, I've seen his face.
Also I owe you 20 bucks, a clean towel and a glass of scotch. I'll even throw in a blow job
I HAVE NEVER BEEN FRIENDZONED IN MY LIFE AND THIS GIRL IS GOING TO MAKE ME QUESTION EVERYTHING. LIKE A GODDAMN CUNT. A WONDERFUL, BEAUTIFUL, MAJESTIC, LESBIAN CUNT.
im on the hungover til tuesday pabst blue ribbon diet
You called his parrot a seagull, a pigeon and a rat with wings, and told it to go eat Cheetos out of a dumpster.
I don't drink nearly as much when I'm coupled, and that's not a lifestyle I can commit to
SOMETIMES YOU HAVE TO BLAST VANESSA CARLTON IN YOUR CAR AT MIDNIGHT TO FEEL AGAIN. IDK.
probably because i sent a bunch of guys a snap saying happy one year to my nipple piercings
There’s an entire generation of people out there who didn’t grow up watching Mr. Rogers and it shows. These Boomers need to get their shit together.
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