I've had enough of this chick, she wanted to cuddle after giving me a handjob. I feel like I'm in junior high
Vegas is awesome. Its like you have a kentucky accent girls automatically assume you don't have herpes.
She gives me Chlamydia and somehow I'm still the asshole
I already wrote the apology to my liver. He knows whats up
I have bruises everywhere. I think I took "the drinks are strong" as more of a challenge than a warning.
It's fine...I've done worse things to better people.
Your message cut off at "shit on the floor". Your life is incredible.
My cab driver just started a conversation with "Three years ago I pleaded guilty..." Check on me later tonight please.
I see your walk of shame and raise you a day in jail wearing a girls old workout clothes.
THIS IS A FLATMATE WARNING! The white powder next to sink is washing powder I spilled and is not meant for human comsumption. I repeat- do not digest, snort or smoke the white powder next to the sink!!!!
I can't tell if I'm getting better at doing my online spanish hw drunk or if my teacher is just grading on creativity. Either way that senoritas gettin an applebees gift card when i graduate.
He rubbed aloe on my sunburn while I blew him... could he be anymore perfect?
You "drove" the computer chair around the party for a good fifteen minutes. you would crash into things, freak out, and yell for an ambulance.
I think we have some hyper-understanding of each other when drunk, because looking back at our text convo from last night, they were literally just jumbled letters.
Can’t fucking wait for Tuesday night. Have another situation that popped up. I swear my life is like a cross between a soap opera and a porno
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