my mom just informed me that i masturbate loudly
i just funneled a beer through a mask n snorkel.. can you check that off my bucket list..
Just put your hair in a bun. We're going out to drink, not to impress people.
Sundays should be dedicated to Girl Scout cookies, sex, and super hero movies.
Just got a blowie during the Avengers. It's weird knowing that the high point of your life just happened.
Yeah I just don't know how I feel about my fuck buddy coming to work at my dads office with me.
I just tried to pay for a coffee with a dollar and a necco wafer.
I swear man, you fly across the country to give a boy your virginity and he suddenly thinks you like him
I knew things were bad when my gyno recommended meditation.
But like now I know, men who are vegetarians are significantly worse in bed.
No, it's okay that he's on a date. I attach no more emotion to him than I do my vibrator.
I feel like I had a successful night. I flashed the guy at the liquor store last night for 2 free tshirts and a giant redbull.
He casually compared computer science to childbirth and I was like "hey, as someone who has wanted to fuck you for six months now, could you please never talk about childbirth ever again"
My arm is completely dead, never again will i give you a 20 minute hand job. You better have enjoyed that asshole. I have to text with my left hand now.
thank you for the vibrator recommendation, i've come six times today and it's only noon
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