can "i'm close!" be our safe word(s)?
oh geez, wrong person.
It's 8:30am and I'm drinking.... this is a new low
I had a bacon mcgriddle for the first time today. It was like eating a baby angel.
I told her the maid must have stolen all my condoms. She bought it
It was pretty bad. Like cum-on-my-face-while-singing-Let-It-Snow bad.
Im the proud new owner of the campus speed bump sign
There's a bag in my room with garbage, a thong, fritos, and an electrical cord. I'm assuming it's yours
........yyyyyyeah that's me
You were great dude. You wanted to charge the guy with fedora $100 to get in.
I will expect an hourly check text to confirm you are alive and that you aren't dead in a ditch somewhere with a hobo dry humping your corpse
As I came the Sportcenter app played that "dah nuh nuh" chime. Top ten life highlight?
No. Not going out tonight. No. It's Tuesday. Xanax and Full House Tuesday.
Flatmate got laid for the first time in 3 years. I'm baking a cake.
I gave my girlfriend a ring to celebrate our anniversary, she thought It was an engagement ring. Now im getting married and I don't know what to do.
I yelled at your uterus for you.
You have GOT to stop kicking in his kitchen door. Just wait for him to open it next time.
Randomize
