did i leave my keys in your car? BTW: sorry for throwing that drink on your date.
So she stayed over last night and slept walked in to my moms room where she used the bathroom and then proceeded to get in bed with my moms naked boyfriend. So yeah, at least now my family got to meet her.
he believed the zit on my nose was a piercing...until he tried to bite it. needless to say he didnt ask for my number
Dude someone is playing the piano in the other room while I shit and it's making it really peaceful
They just both started mumbling "i cant go home like this" "it's all over my face" "do you have extra pants?"
There was a photo of his face glued to a lifesize Kim Kardashian cutout. By the end of the night he was doing shots out of medicine cups and making everybody hug it goodbye.
how many thumbs am i supposed to have at one time
you found the shrooms didnt you
But hes like a baby bird with a broken wing that i want to FUCK.
I am in a hotel room with 10 people. John is in bed eating an industrial sized pan of mashed potatoes. I think a non insignificant number of people saw my nipples.
I actually just took 17 pictures of some guy at the gas station that needs to marry me now
Meeting him up for him to pay half of the Plan B was awkward but worth it cause I'm broke as fuck
i was making a gravity bong in my room and my dad walked in. he helped me finish. i love being home for the holidays.
Pooping in a box is not fun. You're not a cat.
I should probably apologize for licking you last night since you drove me home, but I stand by my decision
I just baptized you in budweriser and you were cool with it
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