I have got to lose weight!! Apparently no one wants to fuck a fat chick with herpes.
she has no idea who harrison ford is.
see that's why i'd never date someone born in the 90s
She says ass holes are for stuffing, the verb, not stuffing, the noun.
A donut and a mojito for breakfast...Helloooooo Derby Wekkend!
His foreplay reminded me too much of breastfeeding.
Drinking with a woman who gave an anti-drugs speech at my high school. Somehow, not surprised.
I already have one guy that I have regrettable sex with. I don't need another.
I asked if he wants to help me spring forward at 2am on Sunday. He seems down.
There is no sno cone on earth better than alone naked time. Side note: text when you all are headed home.
Quick how do you hit on a guy in the car behind you? It's important.
At the very least, I mastered a nap while occasionally being dry humped.
Dude, you were so drunk you were hanging from the ceiling of my car pretending you were a sloth while we were on 81.
I dropped a piece of Mac and cheese in the shower and I almost still ate it. Stoned, but not stoned enough to degrade myself.
Vodka for breakfast. With a side of Frankenberries. Don't judge me.
I'M SO HIGH I FORGOT HOW TO EAT A STRAWBERRY. A FUCKING STRAWBERRY.
Randomize
