i wish sherlock holmes were still around today... he'd be able to find my g-spot.
I don't know if it's lucky or if it really just makes my tits look THAT good, but I've never NOT gotten laid with this bra on
You're not invited to the wedding. They don't want you starting a "who's fucked the bride the most" contest.
Apparently im getting a reputation for how i mix drinks. Im the midas of booze. Everything i touch turns to koolaid.
Bro if you don't text me back I'm gonna send you a picture of my nut sack every ten seconds for the rest of the night. I'm home alone with nothing to do. Don't push me.
You're cock blocking me from my own boyfriend. What kind of shit is that?
Because everytime she talks to you she goes in her room and plays Come Sail Away on repeat. Can't take this shit anymore Jake
For the first time in my life, I may be the most normal person in the room.
Update: I am definitely the most normal person in this room. And the least tattooed.
i love it when bitches who pick on you in high school get fat. thank you facebook you have made my day.
Even blacked out me knows not to sleep with socks on
how do you make "fuck me in the break room" sound casual?
I'm just imagining Oprah like "you're popping a boner, and you're popping a boner...EVERYONE IS POPPING A BONER"
Started dabbing in blow again because he always hated that I did it. Yuh I’m doing drugs but at least I’m doing me?
I may or may not have been feeling patriotic and banged Captain America in a closet. SPOILER ALERT: We broke his shield
Imagine we only get one cock for the rest of your life. I’d pick his dick. That good!
Randomize
