i celebrated the independence of our country by dry heaving tequila all morning. so classy. happy 4th.
Mission leave-the-puke-on-the-floor-til-the-dog-eats-it completed. I work smarter not harder
That explains waking up with one hand in the toilet and the other in the trash can
When I try to close my eyes ibwant to puke. Going to the basement to watch pocohantas. That'll keep myeyes open. And puke free.
It's like being the dunk pilot of a plane full of pornstars and drunkenness.
She texted her brother about how much she loved his hot tub. He responded three days later that he wasn't aware he owned a hot tub.
I feel like the other woman.
You ARE the other woman.
To do list: put blue gatorade in a windex spray bottle. spray it into my mouth in public so people think i'm drinking windex.
They figured our he was high when he told the manager he wanted a break to go wrap his dick in toliet paper and pretend it was a ghost.
Attempted to dodge my boyfriends cum last night and ended up falling off the bed and getting the worlds most painful charlie horse. fuck my life.
I am having the most awesome nonsexual conversation about my vagina right now
you should never start the day with a boob text. It can only go downhill from there
You were crying hysterically
So that's why my heels were in the oven...
Dude... the time we have in life to be young and trivial is so incredibly short. I think we should drink tonight.
Also this morning I remembered seeing the stripper he threw up on later in the night. She was clothed though.
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