Apparently shes in the bathroom puking but eating a pot roast she found in the fridge at the same time.
New drinking game: take a shot everytime Jay-Z is played during the NFL draft.
arguing about whether his trip to england or my trip on acid was better
Harry Potter. Singing. Sobering up. In that order.
I keep reminding myself that my vagina isn't a homeless shelter.
The liquor store was handing out free shots of some new expensive vodka, but they caught on the fourth time we came back in different outfits. Politics.
Halfway through he got an idea for a short story so he wrote it in magic marker on my boobs. Yeah, he's a keeper.
Would you be mad if I just used the argument "I'm allowed to say that, my best friend is a lesbian"?
Never. I'm proud to help you win arguments.
Im invoking the "no judgements" clause of our friendship.
My god, what have you done?
Stealing, and booze. If only you added meaningless sex with random people you would have wrapped all your life passions together
"Fuck all you guys I'm going to be Cameltoe Spider-Man for Halloween."
I had a spiritual reading tonight and my dead grandmother called me a whore.
Not my fault the fence refused to just break when I ran into it.
Wow you are like a taller more attractive sex Yoda.
So I took a screenshot of my boarding pass and the TSA agent somehow swiped it to the next photo. Yep...TSA saw my dick before I even went through the body scanner.
Randomize
