The midget we rented got so drunk last night he got carted off in an ambulance
all i know is that each time we woke up we were at a different chinese restaurant. help.
Walked by a shop giving away free donuts this morning. Best walk of shame ever
I just saw her shopping list. The only things on it are blackberries, hot fudge and condoms. I almost don't wanna know. Almost.
Left my card at the bar and had a drunk girl climb on the hood of my running car to scream at me.
Just saw a homeless man taking a shower in someone's sprinkler system....
...But it's not like we would be the first people to pay for an abortion with student loans and cell phone rebates.
We have to have sex while I'm dressed as a tiger. It's one of my life goals
There is a positive side to a sinus infection. Exclusively cowgirl sex. I've convinced her I'd pass out if I had to do the work.
I have a present for you
Like a legit gift, not just me showing up and getting naked
I'm not sorry for loving America more than everyone else
The uber man and I sat in silence. With my underwear in my purse and my dress shoved in the pocket of the hoodie the guy gave me.
I got snowed in at my parent's. everyone's asleep so I'm smoking a joint in my old room and watching Tarzan on a 12" tv.
They must be so glad to have you home...
You know its a good night when ur woken up by the bartender asking you how he ended up at your house
I’m not spending 14 dollars on a margarita unless it’s rimmed with cocaine... actually do you have a blender?
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