HOW IN THE HELL DID YOU BLOW A .24?????
We were watching I'm a celebrity get me out of here and taking shots every time heidi said HALLELUJAH, and started spraying her hair with that stupid dry shampoo shit....and we only watched the last half hour.
I don't wanna hook up with anyone from minnesota
everybody there reminds me of mashed potatoes... white and lumpy
I took my vicodin with tequila. I can FEEL gravity...
well, duh, but it's like you don't even want to see me masturbate with a wine bottle.
I went from innocently day drinking to waking up handcuffed in jail. Fuck you game days
The rest of us are chipping in to soundproof your bedroom. This is getting ridiculous.
I swear my vagina formed calluses just to deal with how big he is
When I left you were in the shower in your socks throwing up screaming it was blood but it was "ok" cuz it's recyclable. By the way it was kool aid.
Hot freshmen.....hot freshmen chicks everywhere
You say this every welcome week, bro.
When he was fat he reminded me of my high school best friend and I just wanted to hug him and hug him. Also, he's funny and humor is the fastest way into my pants after Doctor Who and liquor.
Sorry I peed on your ottoman
Is it fucked up to venmo someone for plan-b?
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
I've decided it's okay if I take a pregnancy test every month. Then I can be like, "Good job, self, way to not procreate this month!"
In a meeting I sneezed and my tooth hit the floor. I don't think anyone noticed. I would still like to die now.
Randomize
