I'm so hungover And my mouth is so dry it feels like my tongue is wearing a sweater
she makes me feel like im THAT guy in the taylor swift song
The cop refused to sing with us, even though he was as happy as we were that the tow truck finally showed up.
I pulled my tongue muscle last night. your welcome.
the only compliment i could think of for this chick was that she looked 'moderately attractive'
Shame should no longer be a word in your vocabulary.
How is it possible that I am in a completely different city, and there are 2 dudes here that I've banged? How????
How unacceptable would it be to bar hop with a funnel in the square? It's Halloweekend and I plan on going hard. I can claim it goes w/ my costume. But I don't think the MIMITW uses funnels.
Some girl just walked passed me, said "fuck yeah!" and is now crawling up the stairs
Do you participate in Sunday morning booty calls?
Dammit! I didn't see this message, of course I do.
No, I'm just drunk and was excited cause a hot stranger bought me tacos.
WHO TURNS DOWNA FRESHLY WAXED VAGINA IN A MAIDS COSTUME LITERALLY LAYING IN YOUR BED
I'm sorry I tried to stab you. I just really wanted those mozerella sticks.
Do you think this 2 hour Amazon delivery thing works on vibrators? Cause that would be clutch
I had just gotten to his place and was about to get some dick. No way was I gonna let her negative attitude affect my orgasm feng shui
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