no weekend plans? you're practically married
just without the last name or joint bank account
i'd advise against both
i don't know how to normally transition into sexual activities without being drunk...
News update: stealing a playground is harder than it looks.
What the hell do I have to do to get some foreplay around here? This sucks.
I think you know the answer.
How can I marinade myself in Vodka?
He told everyone he was going inside...an hour later we get a knock on the garage door from some dude telling us a guy is passed out on the lawn and we should get him inside because it's about to rain
You puked in the drive thru of Taco Bell. You puked as it was being handed to me. You managed to yell out "FIRE SAUCE" in between hurls.
Also, my phone autocorrects ENABLER to all caps. I think I drunk text the word too often.
We spilled a whole bottle of mouth wash and then proceeded to roll around and make out in it. At least I smell minty fresh.
So I got hit in the face with a frying pan. So def wont be at work for first break if I'm there at all
I'm about 95% it's a collapsed lung. Go big right?
Brett got me a cake with a pic of me shitting
Human centipede...with the teletubbies. That's what my nightmare had in it.
I don't even want to know.
Wedding party came into the bar an hour ago. Mother of the bride is a stage five clinger. send help.
I didn't even know we were hiding from the cops, I was just playing with the cats. People kept telling me to be quiet the cops are here and I was like DID YOU SEE THIS CAT!?
Does this cleavage amount say, “Fuck it, I’m over dating, let’s just fuck?”
Randomize
