i'd fuck the guy who invented dead baby jokes.
you don't know how close you are to someone till they ask you to shave their ass.
Dude I'm drinking a martini out of a water bottle, I've become my parents.
i just funneled a beer through a mask n snorkel.. can you check that off my bucket list..
You kept running into the wall most of the night. When people asked you what you were doing you told them you were the kool-aid man and there was little kids on the other side of the wall who needed your juice
So there's dick imprints in the peanut butter
tell me why there is a bowl of oatmeal from starbucks in my purse
I need to beat up a magician now. BRB.
And, through a series of unfortunate events, I am at my grandmothers birthday party in a short dress and no underwear
I feel like we need a drunken piñata bash with your face being the piñata and my hopes and dreams being the stick
my cockatiel has aquired a taste for beer. I should not be allowed to own exotic pets.
Why is there a cash register on top of my car?
I totally straight up jacked your pants. I am so sorry.
We dated for a month and a half. he didn't like blow jobs. I honestly don't think he was human.
I think the reason she hasn't text me back is because I spanked her ass with Hulk Hands
Randomize