Let me guess--your parents are cousins.
I walked into my house this morning to find an 18 pack on the counter. I think that's gods way of ringing the bell for round two.
they duct taped my keg cup to my hand with my sister's phone number on it. I should be ok tonight.
Very hungover, bought a newspaper and found my shorts from last night in the machine.
I'm practically paying him in tacos to have sex with me.
He made me meet him in the baby department of walmart where he was waiting with his pregnant girlfriend. Time for a new dealer
I just bought $54 in Easter crap to try and blend in the pregnancy test... And FYI, it totally worked.
I think that's the key to being an adult though... Get those rapid fire beer shits out I the way early, then you can go about your grown man business
Like real life can suck my metaphorical dick right now.
im pretty sure the interns at this hospital have gotten hotter
Your choices in alcohol this weekend are thoroughly disappointing
How high were you when you left that message, cause you made honest-to-God, credible seal noises.
Woke up in a hotel room with some random guy then walked over a mile to the bus stop where I laid down and waited on the bus. GREAT NIGHT
I have dined. Now I want to get fucked.
Did you clean my apartment?
I thought it was a dream, I'm sorry
Please stay more often
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