I wish your couch was made out of beer. I would drink like half of it.
Alls I know is that his gf looked like Beyonce and he looked like Babar
sorry i interrupted the heart to heart you were having with your bathrobe last night
So my boyfriend is on his way over and there is no time to wash the sheets from when I had his roommate over earlier. Put them in the dryer with a damp bounce sheet. Win?
This is a whole new level of slut for you....do they smell ok?
When I like her vacation photos, it really means "Im sleeping with your boyfriend." wonder if she will make the connection.
Definitely contact high. Thirty miles an hour listening too i can see clearly now wanting too eat the steering wheel
I want the one making out with the dumpster. Is that bad?
cashier rang me up and said, "white people are funny." like i'm NOT the only white person to buy just lettuce & 40 glow sticks
College is a time for personal growth. Meaning it's time to start using those pickup lines on randos at dive bars.
I have a callous on the palm of my hand just below my ring finger that is entirely from opening so many beer bottles. I'm strangely proud right now.
Don't forget Giraffe in your car! If we show up in the same outfit without animal heads we're just gonna look weird.
I think I'm just going to go like every guy on tinder who has a jetski. I'm doing this for us, Summer is coming.
I think I gave the bachelor party directions to the breweries next to my dentist so that they could take me to my appointment and pick me up afterward...
I told him I was going outside to throw up and I ended up passing out in the front yard in my underwear for 45 minutes. When I walked back inside he said "where have u been?". My husband ladies and gentlemen
I'm not drunk or hungover and I don't have to work. My body is sooo confused!
Randomize
