Just woke up naked in my storage cubby and some one rearragned my whole room?
no jk, not my room
I told him to go down on me and when he did he started crying!! I asked him why and he said my vag looked just like his ex girlfriends!!!
Brutally Honest is my real middle name, Princess just sounds better.
260 beers this month. I need a new hobby.
You are just a treasure cave of fabulous alcoholic ideas.
Also, not pregnant! Way to go uterus! Good job on being a team player!
I have stripper ass cheeks all over my glasses
As I am reading this. I'm standing in my underwear eating taquitos. I'm saying this in the most loving way possible: FUCK OFF.
As his dick went in he shouted GOAL at the top of his voice.
You've never even broken a bone. You singlehandedly disprove natural selection
$645 later, she's throwing up in my washroom and asking for a cab. Hooker are soooo much cheaper.
How's my date look?
Like a retarded elf
In a good way
I would really just like to get laid somewhere that's not on a bathroom floor at this point in my life
SO DRUNK
PUKED IN DRIVEWAY
TELL PARENTS SORRY
Only you could go on vacation to visit family and hook up with a pro NFL player from Tinder
Randomize
