i wish they had a 'baby daddy' section in halmark, like, "hey, i know you didn't want this child and you're doing a horrible job, but here's to making you cry on fathers day"
I wish I had my own personal Asian lady that lived under my bed so that she could wax my eyebrows and give me a pedicure whenever I wanted.
I can die happy now, I have been kicked out of strip clubs on six different continents
uhh when the x-ray tec was moving your head you licked his hand and meowed.. i think he knew you weren't sober
And then. You beer bonged 3 tall boys. In a row. Fell into some kids lap. And pulled down my shirt trying to get up. Thank you for that. I got laid
I heard you were walking home with taylor with your dress completely up and your ass exposed
Yeah, that sounds like my life.
Tonight was the second time that I've pretended like English was my 2nd language to avoid conversation w a creeper.
I don't want to die alone with cake watching shows about cake
Screw them and thier engaged asses. I've got liquor to drink and boys I don't know to make out with.
Tell Chris I said sorry for yelling "It's my vagina, let me do what I want with it!" at the party last night.
Drunk texting with my high school teacher. This hurricane is bringing out the best in everyone!
Her tits are absolutely massive. Like ripleys believe it or not shit
Fire trucks are here again. It wasn't me this time.
The fact that you got a stranger guy to buy you a pizza off tinder makes me feel amazing
You're emotionally mature, right? I said you were.
I have at least four things in my line of sight that have Kermit the Frog on them in my dorm. Does that answer your question?
Randomize
