Nothing screams don't date me louder then having your baby as your profile pic
It's sad really how 5 am brings with it a distinction from drunken to pathetic.
Can you explain to me the broken disco ball in my front yard?
They have chocolate covered tequila candy at work. This is not a drill. May be drunk by noon.
I don't want to hear about you making out with a high schooler. I just had the best sex of my life. My face and arms went numb in the middle of it.
my mom went out and bought me new sheets and redecorated my room. its like she's more excited for me to get laid tomorrow for the first time in two months than I am.
My ex just sent me a message asking if she could blow me, but only if we get caught by her new bf. If she promises to swallow I'm doing it.
I called her 20 times. Apparently she went home to do MORE shots before bed. Didnt miss me until this morning. WHO FORGETS THEIR HIGHSCHOOL SISTER AT A FRAT?
It looks like I promised him my virginity, in spanish. What the hell did you give me?
I've been to his house multiple times since that night and I STILL can't find my bra. And he says the hot tub ate my thong.
When we were having sex last night, I told him I would replace him with tacos
So I'm already mostly naked in a kind of bed but obviously too lazy to take my boots off. It's like January 1st is already here
I don't know. I'm drunk and dressed as a pirate but ill do the math tomorrow morning.
i'm 99% sure they had an orgy while i was passed out
I'd just like to take a moment now to apologize sincerely for getting drunk and making an as of myself at your Christmas party next week. I'm especially sorry for sleeping with your baby sister.
Randomize
