glad my latex allergy prevents me from being a one-night stand whore
At one point last night while tipping the bartender you looked at him and said "If I need money later, I'm taking this back"
girls mom is dying from cancer and she msgs me for a booty call. I guess people cope with their situations differently.
There's a wake for a coworker on 420 during te time of 420... Hoping everyone will be too sad to notice how high I am.
Hey. Hope youre not too hungover. Also, did you put a Christmas tree in my guest bathroom and cover it with condoms?
If you're not washing nut sweat off of your forehead this morning I'm disappointed in you
LSD in a sugar cube. Dropped it in my whiskey sour and felt like I was rowing a boat.
You are number one in my heart. But in the dick Olympics you're disqualified.
It's ok, I like adventure. Just ask my vagina.
My entire summer has consisted of being too drunk for this shit, too sober for this shit, or too hungover for this shit.
I'm definitely going to class still drunk right now and the freshman dressed as Hugh Heffner last night is texting me. I can't handle this.
I just spontaneously learned how to embroider at three in the morning.
I also almost burned the house down in the process. Don't ask me how. It's a long story.
After 2 minutes he came and said, "thanks for everything". I can't wait to hear what he says next time when I do more than just lay there.
It's routine now. He comes home from work and i ride him like a cowgirl with only a few sips of wine. I love being his neighbor.
the fact that I can still put my shoes on is a testament to the fact that I can outdrink these bros
Randomize
