The whole way homeyou were flapping your arms up and down, and when I asked why you said you were trying to tell Tony Danza about the angels.
Believe it's possible to jerk off while watching the food network.
Just hide your weed in your baby brothers shirt. TSA wont check a baby, thats fucked up
And just when I was about to fall asleep, he hit me in the face, and claimed he's a "violent sleeper".
I can't tell if I miss summer or 5 times a day sex more.
When he left he said something to the effect of "well now that I've been used..." I think he may be on to me.
Just woke up next to a girl with 30 hot dogs in my bed. Vodka you win again.
Thanks to a poorly written tweet a whole bunch of people thought I died last night.
Multi-day drunkenness is to binge drinking as black diamonds are to skiing. They're tough and confusing and you hurt afterwards, but you did it and you probably got an alright story along the way.
I can always pull a half day at work too. My boss makes exceptions for drug use. Lol. I fucking love my job.
I think I'm still high. And I definitely still smell like lobster, so there's that
I just delete my bank app from my phone to have enough storage to download tindr. Is this my life now?
I'm in the liquor store and fucking "Wannabe" by the Spice Girls is playing. IM ALREADY ASHAMED OF MY REASON FOR BEING HERE, GIVE ME A BREAK.
Totally writing my paper on the toilet. Makes me miss you.
I’ve got a lot of questions but the first one has to be where you got the flame thrower.
Randomize
