Wooohooo! I'm sitting in the car like a creep watching people walk in and out of Blush. Lots of happy people.
Hey look on the bright side if youre preg at least you know it and wont have it in a toilet
We should be flying into LAX instead so when we land I can turn to the right and see the Hollywood sign
You can't even see the fuckin Hollywood sign from LAX. guess she never got the memo
i'm starting to get really nervous about the relationship i have with my cat
I lost count of how many people I peed on last night.
oh my god. were standing in the kitchen and were chanting "EYEBROWS" and shaving peoples eyebrows. I have work tomorrow and want to keep my eyebrows.
We had sex under a tree in his boss's backyard, then I hooked up with his best friend. I don't even care how I got home.
I just had a contest with the toilet to see who could hold their breath longest.
I won
when I woke up, he was drunk and singing "soft kitty" and petting my face
I'll admit it. It was a bad idea to sneak a fart out while she was taking a nap. Can you bring me a pair of underwear from my dresser. Preferably the one with the walruses in party hats one.
You fell asleep on the toilet and he was like uh should I take her off?
He wasn't excited for the fifty shades of grey trailer, so I told him we're done
yup and then I snapped out of it and realized I was playing beer pong against a 4 year old... and losing
Would it be creepy if I masturbated with my face in the pillow he slept on last night? Cuz I'm pretty sure that's about to happen
we thought it would be safer to lock you in the car alone downtown than take you back home to pass out
Randomize
