it took everything i had not to yell out "your name means death in german!"
I feel like dying is the new "adopt an african baby"
my dentist asked me why my tooth was chipped, i told him i couldn't remember. i think he understands.
I am officially out of liquor stores within a 15 mile radius that don't recognize me as soon as I walk in the door.
I joined a mariachi band. they gave me a guitar because i told them i could play. It actually turned out ok
They kicked me out of the mariachi band. Turns out I'm not that good
If we see one freshman that cummed on me, we are leaving.
There is nothing more demoralizing than exchanging 150 dollar Christmas gifts with a girl your not sleeping with
I kinda wanna Instagram the giant vag stain on my sheets. That is something to be proud of. It's a Christmas miracle.
Cancun blessed me with a drinking problem
Remember last NYE when after the 9th shot of tequila you went on full crazy mode and made out with the 50 y/o doorkeeper? and he called you the next day?
I want to buy weed from this guy on Tinder but I'm not sure I should trust him...but it's free delivery
It was after I slept with him he tells me he's a juggalo
Well it was nice knowing him
That is priceless. You walk into her house, fuck her husband and demand Chinese food. Your an inspiration to us all.
if i drink i'll go into liver failure but ok
totally worth it, dude its $1 pbr
Vagina status: the swelling is going down.
Randomize
