Just found out I own a pyramid. Fuck your good grades, I'm living in my pyramid.
I can't leave your house without my underwear spending the night.
I need to have some sort of hot sex experience in a mask.
We just laid there in bed together, petting his dick and repeating, "IT FEELS LIKE VELVET!!!"
It sounds like I am drunk, but I am not. I just have a concussion.
Have you SEEN his girlfriend?? Or talked to her? Christ almighty I'd drink every day just to die let alone black out
So did you grab that log full of poison ivy for the fire and then apparently take a piss on Saturday night too or was that just me?
will we ever learn or are we destined for a life of poison ivy covered balls?
I've been watching porn with my cat lately. No shame
my new years resolution to eat more toast and mastrubate more often is going well so far.
Everyone thinks it's an okay idea now until I'm overdoing it on the vodka/clubs, dancing on a table, trying to make out with the groom.
I got so drunk last night I took a ice bath with my mother in law
Have a booty call at 3am, stopped for tacos at 2:30. It's 2:55 and I still haven't ordered but can't jump the curb to get out of line because there is a cop in front of me. What am I doing with my life?
You have to commit to sexting. You can't just quit right after I send you pictures of my asshole.
Seriously, come on.
I feel like there's a picture of my ass on the internet right now.
I hate you.
Just did the "lost my phone, need #'s" post and I got a text saying "go ahead and save me as Ashley-DD because I know you will anyway. I think I love her.
I was singing Colors of the Wind and swigging vodka and still felt like more of an adult.
Randomize