You're gonna have to start calling my house phone from now on
How come?
Cuz 'Dad' looked pretty similar to the word Dane when i sent that picture message
I'm having a chugging contest on the streetcar. The driver is judging.
Plus someone just passed me a joint through the window. BEST STREETCAR RIDE EVER
i am way too old to be getting fingered at work
He came in both my eyes, then refused to give me a towel unless I found him by playing Marco Polo
merry christmas to all and to all I give the mystery rash.
Whoever put the picture of my dad in the condom box is an asshole
Makes Sense, i generally dont want the same person two days in a row. Its like what i pick for supper, i like variety
Youre attempt to ruin my night by putting Date Rape by Sublime on my sex playlist failed. She was into it.
They invited me day drinking but brought their kids. 3 two year olds and 1 11 month old. I was asked to change a diaper, I laughed and took another drink of this margarita. I LIKE CHANEL AND TEQUILA NOT CHILDREN. Can we make new friends?
You had the nerve to crowd surf to your own bedroom.. I guess watching Aladdin high was probably the best idea ever
That's why we don't trade sex for Taco Bell. It's called the dollar menu.
I spent most of the stoned conversation with my dad proving to him that the Newfoundland is an actual dog and NOT a Snuffaluffagus-esque figment of my stoned imagination, while laughing over the fact there is actually a place caller Dildo, Canada. Have YOU taken time to be a good dad today?
Rage-masturbating and then crying myself to sleep. Welcome to Wednesday.
You know you had a good night when your wearing you best friends pants to work the next day
The whole time you were apparently enduring your pukescapades, I was singing very loudly in the car to Beyonce on my way to get a post-coitus Diet Coke.
Randomize
